


Symphony

by MissLittyKitty



Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Break Up, F/M, Heartbreaking, Love, MissLittyKitty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 17:28:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3904759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissLittyKitty/pseuds/MissLittyKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>OFC has a moment and finally makes a heavy decision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Symphony

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song "Symphonie" of the German band "Silbermond".  
> A big thank you to my wonderful Beta Wusch!

**Symphony**

Every small move you make feels like my own. Your warm arm circles my waist, your hand on my stomach and your fingers draw a pattern there only you know in your sleep. With every deep breath you take, you play with the hairs on the back of my neck, sending shivers down my spine.  
I should feel warm and loved and comfortable. But I don’t. Being here in your arms has never felt so wrong; feeling your body against mine, letting you hold me in your sleep has never felt more foreign.  
Tears prickle behind my eyes, their burning sensation slowly creeping to the front. This peaceful, loving silence of our bedroom threatens to choke me so that I can hardly breathe. 

Why does it feel so wrong to have you hold me? What has happened to me? And why do I feel so very alone despite the fact that you are right beside me? I want to find the answers in my head, in my heart but all I can find is a vast emptiness inside me and I feel as if I’m about to drown in it.  
I know you have noticed the change in me. I know you so well. Yet, lately it’s as if I don’t know you at all. We used to be so good together. I used to hang onto every word you said; you used to be able to make me laugh; and I used to love you so much my heart was ready to jump out of my chest filled with joy. 

But what used to be rapt attention has turned into annoyance. What used to be laughter has turned into tears. And what used to be love and joy has turned into nothingness and pain. I don’t want to feel like this and I hate that I do. But most of all I hate that I don’t know why. Why have my feelings for you changed when they used to be everything to me? When you used to be everything to me!

The first tear falls from my eye, rolls down my cheek and across my nose. I can’t bear it any longer. As silently and softly as I can, I extract myself from your hold trying to not disturb your sleep. From the bedside I watch you roll onto your back, mumbling incoherently and become still again. Your t-shirt covered chest rises and falls steadily and I slip quietly from the room as more tears leak out of my eyes. 

I cross the hallway and descent the stairs down do the ground floor. I take the hallway to the left and reach the living room, come to stand in front of the big window overlooking the street. Raindrops patter against the glass and as I watch a car drive past, its headlights disappearing into the fading darkness of early morning, I feel more tears run down my cheeks. And for the millionth time, I ask myself why I am feeling this way. And why I have no clue as to why. 

Two months ago, I was so ecstatic for your return, could hardly wait to hold you in my arms again; to see you, to be near you. I thought those days spent without you to be the worst of my life and that there surely couldn’t be anything more dreadful but to not be with you.  
But now, two months later, I feel smothered by your presence. Your gentleness seems to suffocate me and your love makes me want to cry. I so wish for you to leave. The harshness of my own thoughts makes me wince and start to cry harder. I should have ended it sooner. All this prolonging the inevitable has only made it worse. Although my sobs are quiet, they’re the only thing I can hear which is probably why I jump about a mile when I hear you ask, “Sweetheart, why are you up?” 

I turn around to face you, see you standing at the door.  
“Can’t sleep,” I croak. I see you push away from the doorframe to approach me. I press my lips into a thin line, avert my eyes from yours and flinch slightly when your hand touches my arm.  
“Is everything okay?”  
New tears fall and I can’t look at you as I answer, “No, it’s not.” 

I force myself to lift my head, take in your momentarily puzzled expression which quickly turns into a knowing one. But before you can say anything, I blurt out, “I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t know why it feels wrong to…to be close to you. And I don’t know why…why I don’t love you anymore.”

My words stun you that much I can see. You hadn’t anticipated this admission from me. Your mouth opens then closes and you simply stare at me. I see the tears glisten in your eyes and ready myself for more of my own.  
Saying those words out loud, admitting to you how I feel, makes it all so much worse. But I cannot deny that it is the truth.  
“How long?” you ask in a whisper. 

“The last couple weeks,” I reply and just stand there looking at you. I don’t know what to do or what else to say. Your gaze is still on me and I force myself to keep looking at you although I very much want to avert my eyes again. Because what I see on your beautiful face, on your perfect features, hurts me more than any harsh words might have done. 

This – you looking so truly and completely heartbroken – is worse than you yelling at me. I don’t want to hurt you. It’s not as if I suddenly hate you. I just…I just don’t love you anymore. It’s as simple as that. And yet, at the same time, so very complicated.  
“I…I wish I could say it comes as a total surprise,” you eventually say and I can hear your voice tremble with pure emotion. 

“I know,” I reply quietly, hugging myself. “I know you must’ve noticed a change in me. And Tom, I…I am so sorry. I wish it were different. Or that I could at least give you a reason for it all…but I can’t. I just can’t because I don’t know why and it’s driving me crazy. But I don’t want to do this anymore. Not to you and not to myself. It’s not fair. I don’t want to pretend. You deserve better.”  
I see the tears roll down your cheeks and my own promptly follow. Despite that, you cover the distance between us and wrap me in your arms.  
“And so do you,” you whisper, holding me tightly to your chest. 

This is it. This is the end and I know it. The wonderful song we have been dancing to for the past two years is over. Our symphony has come to its end. But as I lift my head from your shoulder, I see that the rain has stopped falling as well. And although I know I have hurt you and all of this still hurts me, too, I feel lighter. Calmer. Better. I feel better. A weight has lifted from my shoulders and I feel better than I have for the past weeks. It will take time but as surely as I know that this is our end – I know that this is a new beginning, too.


End file.
